Sep 20 2025 - Soldier.

...I ended up dying for the lives of children again. Hahahaha.

In front of my literal house, I see people threatening to kill everyone with me. For some reason, there's many children... well, around my age, but still children. I always end up taking the role of someone older. Sucks, don't it? Anyway, all of these misaldenites in my house, I take them all out to the street and tell them to run far while the adults took care of these evil guys. They run pretty far, over to the park. The scary lads wanted to burn down my house! Anyway, I stall so they don't, well, hurt the kids. I remember that one of the guys had a bow and arrow, and I epically dodged all their shots... even took one for myself, they were sturdy and stiff, like a spear. I used it as such.

I don't remember what happened to the guys, but I remember looking for the kids and finding them in a very flammable little warehouse. They were so happy to see me. I have to be honest, I like being missed so much... irrelevant. I took the kids to an open area, telling them that it was fucking stupid to hide in a sort of big wooden shack when hiding from men with flamethrowers or whatever.

Somnisia. Anyway, after the gap, me and the kids fight. It was like a magical fight, I could jump high and run fast, as well as throw grenade like explosives. We were originally hiding from the guys from before, but they found us once and we all split up and turned on eachother? Wonder why. I ended up being the last one alive... me and someone else who looked exactly like me. Well, thon had a cool dark cloak and was objectively cooler than me but I was still always going to end up surviving... I lied, I don't remember if I did.

It might be a stretch, but I believe characters in dreams are all extensions of the mind like philosophy. I also believe killing them all... is kind of like killing parts of your own mind. From the beginning, I was trying to protect these pieces of myself from everyone who turned up to hurt thones. But really, we all ended up hurting eachother... Take what you will from that.

Aug 23 2025 - He's back?

The man who's position has been stolen and taken down, back to me! How exciting! Please stay this time and never scare me again.

Okay, so what happened was I was around his lovely area, this time it looked like the dream with the Reaper again, and it was a sort of event where people were standing around and someone noticed a tree about to fall down. I went over into the bushes and screamed at the top of my lungs! "Fall!" No idea why I did that, but it did what I said. It crashed down and people made way for it, luckily no one was under it. A friend came up to me and asked how I did that? I told them, as I believed, that I reckon it was something to do with the sound waves pushing it over. Why the hell would I just be able to command a tree to destroy itself? No, it was already on it's last legs.

I meet him later in the dream. I'm sitting in between two friends, going through some sort of drive thru. On the wheel was him, but in a suit and tie. He had a voice this time, and to be honest, I know for sure my brain stole it from this anime I was watching the evening prior. Suited him though, I had no favour for that voice before, but I'm actually a little afraid to continue watching because of how that insignificant character will surely keep reminding me of him... He so cool. He carried me on his shoulders, don't remember why but he did.

Aug 19 2025 - Something better.

So... it didn't work. But anyway, I met a guy in my dream and he was seriously the coolest.

In the dream, not in real life, I fell out with two of my friends because I killed some little girl who was trying to kill me too! Promise! Anyway, so I was walking outside towards an event... and I met this guy who in the dream I had known but hadn't spoken to in a while. He was so nonchalant. He carried my coffee for me! And as much as I love making ocs out of dreams, he was kind of more of a representation of who I wish I was.

There's a thin line when my brain makes new characters for me that is in between "I wish they were real" and "I wish I were them".

Aug 15 2025 - Spicy nightmares experiment, go!

Essentially, the myth of which "spicy food before bed gives you nightmares" was always something I wanted to test. Although I originally tried it last night as a joke, it worked! Worked a little too well, my dream was genuinely frightening to me rather than just a bit of shock and horror (which I'm usually unfazed by in my dreams). So yes, for the next four to six days, I'll do the same thing each night and treat myself to my favourite spicy noodles before bed. I'll admit, the state of my internal organs after this experiment won't be pretty, but what's life if not something to enjoy?

God, this dream was actually frightening for me. Again, not in the shock horror way... but I was in a vivid dream of a situation that I'd actually fear in real life. I can't remember how I got there, but I was hanging in the air holding onto some sort of bar. That isnt the scary part though, what was scary was I injured my leg getting down and I was sent in an ambulance to get medical treatment. On the ride to the hospital, there was some guy who had to check the damage. That was the scary part! A complete stranger was all up on my leg, examining it! Luckily, my mind gracefully allowed me to not get violated in the dream. I was just so afraid I would though, I had to take off my trousers and everything. I woke up before we got to the ambulance, thank God. To be honest, looking back? That guy was just doing his job. But still, in real life, I'd be just as frightened! Hope I get the cool scary monsters tonight rather than a normal looking guy doing his job.

Aug 13 2025 - My favourite Reaper.

There are so many emotions with this new dream. Where to start, I only remember the main event... and what came after.

As far as I can remember, I was running (with a lot more excitement than I'd like to admit) towards my homeplace. The man who harbours my yearning journey has not visually existed for years of my life, so I ran past where his station would've been and instead lay a muddy pathway towards a seaside wreck of planks and sails. Directly in front of me, and only for my own eyes, the sky grew dark and bursts of light crackle down. Someone who I haven't met face to face, however felt close from time to time, was standing here just out of my reach and in between the rubble. My eyes basked in the sight of death. Traditionally dressed, just a skeleton with a torn up cloak. It was beautiful. Watching the literal Grim Reaper standing in front of me was beautiful. Can't get it out of my head, how graceful and delicate it seemed just there. We didn't move, I just stared at the perfect death.

Cut to me running back, not that the Reaper did anything to me. I must have had to go back? I return and end up looking for company away from my regular routine, asking for the advice of a friend. Two of my closer friends end up joining me, and the four of us never ended up speaking about what I had seen.

I wonder, with all of this death and afterlife imagery, does this mean the man who left me has left us?

Aug 8 2025 - Thanks for the food.

Starved for days on end, going back to my workplace with old friends around. I'm unbelievably awkward with them, I don't fit in at all. I forget my things, or not really, I left my things home to pretend I would have had lunch with me, when really I just didn't want people to realise that I am in fact drained of proper nourishment. I wave to an nameless friend that I met the other day. When it was time to eat, the friends of mine around me brought us all a delicious hotpot! I was unbelievably happy, hopefully they didn't notice. We were all sharing, but I barely ate my share before they realised my lack of contribution to the meal. I thought they'd hate me for it. Instead, they got up and left. I stayed to protect their food and bags, surely they'd come back. And they did. They brought me my own bowl of noodles. I was so thankful, and to be honest, it seemed like a gift from the heavens.

I want to thank them soon, but for now, I think I'm going to make myself some noodles.

Aug 1 2025 - Night assault.

I keep getting scenes where I am physically hurt by people I do not know. Strangers who find me appealing. But if I were lucid, these strangers would simply not exist. Somehow, these people keep coming back to me night after night. I don't think about these things when I am awake - that is a complete lie. In my dreams, I don't have a single care for what people do to me. But in the back of my mind, I worry about the community around me plotting against me. I'm not paranoid, I am a realist. To be transparent, it isn't uncommon for my dreams to show me violent assault to my being. It's just that it's usually by either people I know well or shadowy deities that aren't real. My recent dreams show me strangers I could spot on the street today, normal citizens that I wouldn't guess to hurt specifically me.

Jul 28 2025 - A new setting.

We made a pretty dramatic first entrance. A new character in my mind, a new being I can explore in the night. I enjoyed meeting you, and hope to see you again.

Rushing past the books and the people, I head up the oceanside cliff, sitting at the peak for a chance to collapse down when I am distracted by the setting sun. People I recognise, as well as people I don't, sit on cute picnic blankets together. All away from the edge. Call it main character syndrome, but it's my dream and I can do what I want. But someone who I hadn't invited to my mind has joined me. This boy, my age, warmly dressed, and if I can remember correctly - he was someone I have supposedly met many times before. I etch my design into the ground below me, unnoticing of this boy beside me. He annoyingly adds his own touch ups to my sketches, but to my very surprise (but not to my admission) he completed the blanks of my mind I couldn't reach. We finally speak, though I don't remember what of. What I do remember is the two of us speaking long enough to walk side-by-side back down the cliff. And at the very end of the conversation, the implication that we have definetly spoken before in this universe, the boy ask's me what my real name is. I do not have a real name, but to him, I was just secret about it. So I tell him the name of which the people around called me. It was such a small interaction, I have no idea why it stuck with me. Why do I always dance around the subject of my name? Maybe I'll find more about this new voice soon.

Jul 13 2025 - Do you like my words?

Standing right in front of Heaven, just where we were, it feels like limbo. Someone was with me, they will surely find out about what it was they did for me, even if it wasn't consciously. In my hazy vision, I saw the rising sun on your neck. I'll never be able to thank this newly found friend of mine enough for helping me find what I found, even if it wasn't what I would have liked to see. You, will I ever see you again in heaven? My limbo is worth sitting through if it means you'll be right ahead of me. But what I really wish to ignore is the way I stepped down after reaching so close to those branched gates. Both me and my dear friend. Was that to tell me that we'd fall? We returned to our usual ways after coming so close to your being. Does that mean we escaped death, or escaped Heaven? But I promise you're watching me, I do hope. God, save my friend and let me see those gates just once more. Please please please please please please please please

Jul 7 2025 - Wait for me.

I always knew you wouldn't be there for me, I just didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to admit to being a desperate child. And even now that I feel like I'm changing, no one could really fix everything I've done to myself. Nothing motivates me, nothing can save me. You were my Knight in silver armour, my hallucination. I'll always be this way now, no matter how much I pretend. Like always. And to be honest, I'm almost glad you weren't real. It makes me feel a little bit more valid. The media shows me the horrors of illness, it feels like I'm perfectly fine. I like longing for your existence. I like knowing that I was talking to myself for so long. It makes it easier to pity myself, which I do so little of for my being. I just begged to stop once more.

Jun 28 2025 - My dearest Charlie.

Going back in time to see you would mean going back in time to see the children I lost alongside you. You were the only one in our society that I hadn't protected, but I promise that I tried my best for every other child that came after you. I told everyone what happened to you. No lies, no jokes. I still wonder if you hate me. If any of you hate me. When I die, I hope I'll see you and find out. Sometimes, I think I see you in the corner of my eye. But when I turn to look, you'd have already vanished. You're just my imagination. My waking hallucination.

I feel you all around me, inside me, everywhere else but close to me. I feel your calloused hands over my shoulders, as if bringing me into embrace I'll never experience. I feel your dirty wounds all over my soft hands, I try to cover them and rescue your closing pulse. Constantly. I see your lifeless, brutalised, and battered body in front of me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. Dead. That's it.

Going back in time to see you would mean going back in time to experience it all over again, no matter how hard I try to change it. At the end of the day, I am real, and you're not.

Jun 23 2025 - Ghost.

Every time I'm alone, I remember you're with me. My sweetest opponent. My dearest Charlie.

Jun 21 2025 - Breaking in!

You're more than dead to me, but if anyone were to take care of her, it's you. I don't care how you do it, I don't care what it is you have to go through. I'd want you to kill yourself in front of me if it meant giving safety to her. Call me paranoid, but I promise I will kill you if you let her go. I promise it.

And if it were between you and me, you've already died in what would be my eyes.

Jun 14 2025 - Felt like home.

I see so many things at once. I am in a horror movie, hiding away from two sweet and mutilated girls. They hunt me and my friend in their home and take us away. I am in a mountain range, expertly gliding my way down with familiar bodies following behind. I am in a crowd alone, watching a stupid dream I'd grown obsessed with. I am in a small classroom, sticking on little gems on my stationary while talking to pretty strangers.

I find myself at a lavish silver lake, admiring the cold water from the side. People are due to be here soon, but I have gotten here first. I hope to myself that they will get to see this. A dream like stranger pulls up from behind, and my body is at ease. You're my friend. A beautiful friend I can't remember the face of. I jokingly tell you that the water was nice and that we should both enjoy it whilst the others begin to arrive. You agree with me, but as I was getting ready to step in you, dec ded you wouldn't follow me in, but you'd help me wash my head off from the side. It was an odd thing to have wanted to do, but I didn't see what would be wrong with that. There was a little protest before I gave in, "You don't have to do that" and "only if you really want to" before settling with a "fine, but make it quick." I sat patiently with my legs crossed, having no idea how this would come about.

In some way, you manipulate the water into falling over my head. It felt cold, colder than I was willing to withstand. But with you sitting so close by and me already being under, I didn't bother to stop you. The water runs down from my head, falling to my back and off onto the ground behind me. You hold the water over my head with one hand and the other reaching to my chest and pushing me backwards. The moment I felt the touch, I almost voluntarily leant back for you like it was a command. In my mind, nothing was wrong.

The water falls on my face and I hold my breath. It was surely a mistake of yours. More and more and more force their way into my lungs, yet I could find gaps of air still making their way to me among the falling water. Your hand was still over my chest, so soft and unable to restrict me. And yet it still threatened me. You sat beside me and all of this water was now aiming for my face as if you were testing how far it will go. Unrealistically, I sort of loved it. But I don't know why.

Apr 12 2025 - I hate you.

Please come back.

Apr 12 2025 - I am the idiot.

Is it true that if I visit you once more, you won't be there? Is it true that I'll die alone?

Apr 12 2025 - Who the fuck are you people??

I try to travel to my home land only to find people who pretend to have lived there for all their lives. This is my home, I am not the foreigner here. This is my land and I can't bear to share it with you.

And still, I pretend to be welcomed with your open arms. I pretend to care when you feed me and shelter me.

Apr 8 2025 - Dreaming still.

I used to think you'd save me, and you hadn't. But now, I need you to save me more than ever. Dreams about you tease me, make me believe there's more to you than what I already know.

I know that you're not real, but I'd like to think you are. I'd like to think that when I die, I'll see you and our family. My life is a tragedy, but you could be my happy ending. Please help me find you, show yourself in reality once again. Please delude me into believing in you. My beautiful dream.

Apr 1 2025 - Him.

Will I see you again when I die? Is that the message? I'd love to see you once more, I am afraid of the thought that I'll never meet you the same way we used to meet time and time again. I love you so much, it hurts me to think about what it was like to be near you. Your small humming and your smell of nature, I want it all again. This time, I'd give you my right arm for you to remember me.

I dreamt of sharing your space with the masses, and they ruined your image with their misunderstandings. You are my life, and to them you should be me.

Feb 22 2025 - My reoccurring dream.

There's a dream that's really a reoccurring dream but, I keep on getting every so often so I'll call it as such. I never remember what was happening, I can just remember the feeling of some sort of numbers everywhere around me growing overwhelmingly. Numbers as a metaphor, but even that isn't something I remember with certainty. That's just how it feels like. Everything is a number, some sort of code. And it is always my fault. In each dream, I trigger something that causes everything else to break. I don't know what, and I don't know how. And I can never stop it. One day, I'll hope to share this with someone because it can't possibly be an experience that I myself only had. And I hope even more that someone could help even suggest what the reason is for me to be having these dreams.

Feb 12 2025 - Well.

I couldn't grieve more for a real person than them. I've had to let go of a lot of people in my life, but these people that I made up in my mind have me wrapped around their finger. It was only a dream. It's been two years and I still haven't gotten over how they died together, and I survived. They were only children, and so was I. But even I was the eldest. No one will ever understand the feeling of being responsible for these children's deaths the same way that I do. Who else would understand the feeling of running straight through a fire with an actual toddler in each arm? Who would understand that I did what I could to survive at the cost of so many lives? Who would understand the thought that it's all stupid and that it was only a dream that I should've forgotten? I've never mourned so much for any real person, and yet.

I should've done more for them. Sometimes, I just want to join them and see them one last time. To apologise for everything. But they're not even real. No one will understand it. One day, I'll join them. I hope to see them once more in future. But even so, I'll never be sure, will I get to meet them again?